An Overview of Aggressive Philosophy
“I'm OK - you're not OK” is a short description of aggressive philosophy, one of the four squares of the transactional analysis matrix. “I'm OK - you're not OK” occurs when someone assumes they are worthy but others are not. This places them in an inferior position. The aggressive philosophy can result in arrogance or disrespect for authority.
Examples in Common Relationships
Managers can fall into the “I'm OK - you're not OK” with employees, mistaking positional power for having a greater societal worth or those below them on the organization chart as being “less than” the manager. Parents may fall into an aggressive philosophy with their children. Within the family, the “I'm OK - you're not OK” positions hold the parents seeing themselves as OK or valuable while devaluing or deprecating their own children. This can result in children falling into the “I’m not OK – you’re OK” relationship with their parents, devaluing themselves as their parents do. Teenagers with an “I'm OK - you're not OK” view toward peers may act condescendingly or become bullies because of their assumed superiority.
Results
When someone holds that others are “not OK”, it is easy to become quickly angered by their actions. When we assume another person wants to do the right thing or has good intentions, honest mistakes are accepted as such. When we hold an aggressive philosophy and we assume others are “not OK”, we make the mistake that human errors are the result of their inferiority or an act of malice. Mangers with an aggressive philosophy are more likely to domineer, sharply criticize and cut short feedback of others.
This undermines workplace communication and creates an atmosphere of fear. This is the opposite of a collaborative workplace where the entire team works toward common goals, even if it means challenging a boss’ incorrect assumptions or standing up to corruption and illegal activities. Parents with an “I'm OK - you're not OK” relationship with their children may be relieved to be rid of them, whether it is when they go to daycare or move out as young adults. This domineering view of adult children can prevent parents from accepting young adults as adults. Whether it is interfering in their career and personal plans of their young adult children or refusing to accept boundaries with a grown child and their spouse, continuing the “I'm OK - you're not OK philosophy with adult children can destroy any relationship with them.
Someone with an aggressive philosophy may also develop a perfectionism streak to further prove their own assumed superiority.
