An adult-ego can manage the child-ego with compromise. A frequent refrain to overspending is “but I deserve it!” An adult can choose to reward themselves for reaching milestones. For example, after a $500 credit card is paid off, the monthly payment now freed up can be used for a dinner out or movie.
After a car is paid off, the person can take the $400 car payment freed up in their budget for a spa visit the next month. This allows the adult-ego to control the “I deserve it!” refrain and tie it to accomplishing selected goals.
The parent-ego and adult-ego can also conflict. The adult wants to make one choice while the parent-ego demands another based on habit, tradition or inherited values. Failing to follow the parent-ego expectations can result in guilt, although someone knows their decision is right.
A parent wants to protect their child. The intent is honorable and often instinctive. Yet the adult-ego may come to a different conclusion than the parent-ego. For example, the adult is told their child is identified as having cheated. An adult in the parent-ego state may attack the person making the accusations or blame others, regardless of the evidence.
The parent-ego is the part that screams “My child never does anything like this!” or “My kid is a good kid!” regardless of the child’s actions. An adult acting from the adult-ego state will set their feelings of protectiveness aside and review the evidence.
If the adult rationally decides that the child probably cheated, they will submit their biological child to the authorities to face the consequences. The adult-ego will listen to the complaints about missing sports due to the bad grade, sitting in detention instead of visiting with friends or doing make up work instead of having fun.
It is important to note that adults acting from the parent-ego can foster the “I’m OK – You’re not OK” worldview of their children. When the child bullies others and their parents take the parent-ego protective stance that it had to be the other child’s fault, the bully does not stop bullying. In some cases, the bully actually sees their point of view strengthened by the protective or supporting view of their own parents.
When a child steals and the parent makes excuses in an effort to protect the child from the consequences, the result is a child learning that excuses allow them to avoid responsibility and a lower view of the rights of others.
( continued from part I )
